As men understanding the emotion of anger is essential for our emotional, physical and spiritual well being. Many men that I have worked with find that anger is an emotion that is easy to access and quick to rise in stressful situations. This reaction can serve us in the face of real danger, or a physical threat to our health and well being, in an effort to protect the people we love and care for. Although primal reactions may serve us in dangerous situations, often times being quick to anger can be an unhealthy default reaction that is trying to protect us from revealing other emotions that may not be easy for many men to realize and express in a healthy way. Understanding our primal reactions can help us to understand ourselves on a deeper level. Instead of reacting we can learn the power of cultivating and choosing a healthier response to stressful situations. When we understand that anger is never the root emotion, we might become curious to know the source of these intense reactions. Some of the core emotions that men often have trouble expressing are:
-Sadness -Grief -Insecurity -Humiliation -Weakness & -Fear
When we are able to come to terms with the reality that being a human being requires a full spectrum of emotions, we can learn to accept the truth of those emotions and understand how they can serve us, instead of those emotions controlling or hurting us. Many men (including myself) were never taught to identify, understand and express their emotions. As the youngest of 5 children (4 boys), if I cried or expressed sadness, I was threatened with physical violence. If I reacted emotionally to some pain or frustration I was called a wuss, pussy or faggot and was left feeling weak, less than, or disappointed in myself. Now my frustration was wrapped together with feelings of insecurity, guilt and shame. As I grew, I tamped down, and concealed my true emotions as dangerous, and instead learned the coping mechanisms of anger, edginess, toughness, and passive aggressive sarcasm to protect myself from being perceived as weak or less than. As boys turning into young men, we quickly learn that any weakness or insecurity will be exploited and weaponized against us.
As I grew older the hostility and venom of anger served to protect me in many situations, yet it also served as an obstacle. Anger became a wall of protection, but also a wall that blocked the truth of my personality. This mask of repression was a defense mechanism that helped me to avoid being vulnerable to others, but it also disconnected me from the truth of my emotions. I continued to mature with no understanding or access to the part of my emotional spectrum that allowed me to properly process pain, loss, grief, frustration, sadness & fear. When uncomfortable emotions would arise I would simply ignore them, until I discovered that alcohol could help to numb and distract me from the truth of what I was feeling.
As a young firefighter in Brooklyn, New York, using alcohol was an essential tool to masking the pain. This ensured I would never have to reveal the perceived weakness of being a human being with feelings. I could simply maintain my abrasive and gruff attitude, and keep myself regularly intoxicated to avoid feeling or expressing any pain, insecurities, grief or sadness. And that worked! Until it didn’t!
After years of ignoring my personal pain, and the cumulative stress and trauma I experienced as a Firefighter, it became clear, that I could no longer hide the truth of my emotions. The damaging effects of numbing and distracting myself with alcohol and other unhealthy patterns was stripping away my health and vitality. What was once a headache and grogginess of “partying” too much, eventually became a rut of being stuck in a pattern of stressful personal and professional challenges. Never having been properly taught to understand, express, process and integrate my emotions and experiences, and a drinking problem that was making all of those problems worse, left me feeling confused and broken.
Quitting alcohol had its challenges, but was one of the best decisions I ever made. It gave me the clarity to face my demons with a foundation of strength and wellness, without the additional burden of craving, distractions and hangovers. In some ways I felt like a child again. Learning to identify basic emotions like sadness and grief. Understanding how those emotions manifest in our bodies. Learning to sit with those emotions, feel them, express them, and integrate the experiences and lessons into my life was a return to my childhood. Recognizing and reparenting the inner child that needed permission to express the truth of his pain was a new concept that forced me to look in the mirror at unhealthy coping mechanisms, and self destructive behaviors that created suffering for myself and the people in my life.
Looking back, all the suffering and confusion was a necessary part of the process. Yes, the lotus flower grows from the mud, as suffering produces the flowering of truth and understanding about ourselves and this life experience. From this truth we may choose to practice greater awareness, by responding to life’s challenges, instead of reacting with primal emotions and unhealthy habits. If you’re suffering, feeling stuck in an unhealthy cycle, or feeling called to grow and evolve through your pain, it is best to begin by looking within. Facing the truth, feeling our emotions and confronting our past can release us from our burdens. When we have the clarity of mind to see the truth about ourselves we can offer ourselves the love, compassion, understanding, forgiveness and acceptance that allows us to let go of that which no longer serves us. This release will open space for us to live more freely, no loner hiding the truth of who we are, and welcome ourselves into the fullness of our being.